Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


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Numbers Are Scary!

Sorry I haven’t been here for awhile. My mission to keep my mouth shut in order to work on my intake rather than output has been rather successful. Lately, I feel like a more pure, confident, powerful, and self-assured version of me.  Of course, it could also have something to do with finally finding my footing at my new job and getting a little acknowledgement for  all the effort I’ve put in to speed up the “learning the ropes” process and get to a point where I can start pulling my weight and actually be a productive member of my work team, but we’ll just pretend it’s all because of my vow of semi-silence, just for the sake of argument.

Self-improvement of the day: for the past few months I have been in dire-straits, financially speaking. I don’t have any debt or anything like that, but I also have about 50 cents to my name by the end of every month. As I’ve mentioned before I’m in the military and we have a resident financial specialist whose sole purpose in life is to advise people on financial-type things like debt, budgeting, and investing. I was “highly advised” to go and talk to this financial type person by one of my higher-ups who knows a little about my situation. So I did and she said she was impressed by how much I was doing to keep my financial problem from getting out of control and only had a few small suggestions of how I could do a bit better.

She did, however, request that I fill out a monthly budget table to help her get a better idea of where my money goes every month so that she could give me some advise that’s more specific to my unique situation. Now, normally I would just give the table to my boy and ask him to fill it out because he’s the number guy. He LOVE numbers and can do crazy math problems in his head without blinking. I on the other hand ABHOR numbers and can’t even remember my own address most of the time.

So, it makes sense to let him take care of all our finances and just keep him informed of what I spend money on and ask him once in awhile how our finances are doing and how much money we have available, right? Well, quite possibly, except that this financial adviser type lady requested that I get more involved in my finances because there was recently a problem with a fellow military member at my work place that got into a large amount of drastic debt and tried to excuse it away by saying that his wife was in charge of the finances and he hadn’t had any idea what she was doing with their money.  Therefore, this financial advisor requested I get involved and stay involved with my finances because at the end of the day, I’m the military member and I’m the one that has to suffer the military side of the consequences if something goes wrong.

So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not just passing this duty off to my boy and having him give me a reader’s digest version when it’s all over. I’m actually taking part and making an effort to understand what’s going on and I plan to continue this involvement and understanding for the rest of my life.

This is more of an undertaking than it may sound because I really do hate numbers on a truly epic level. Just the word “division” makes me feel like I’m developing  a aneurysm in my brain.

*sigh*.

Numbers are scary.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

LittleSpastic Out

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Culinary Success

I meant to take a photo of the dinner I created last night but forgot and now it’s all gone.

*sigh*

Oh well, I’ll tell you about it anyway. It was pasta with butternut squash and sausage.

Now, this is my self-improvement blog so I have to explain why this is self-improvement, and no, it’s not just because I cooked. I’ve been trying to cook a lot lately, actually. And it’s only halfway because I actuallysucceeded at cooking something tasty.

This event is primarily an example of self-improvement because for the first time ever I did not pick a recipe first and then go buy the ingredients to match. For the first time ever, I picked a recipe based on the ingredients I had available. Even better, I picked a recipe that used a large amount of ingredients that were old so I could use them before they went bad. And what’s best of all!!! Rather than simply follow the recipe by the book, I put a little faith in my own skills of improvisation and changed the recipe to work around ingredients I didn’t have and ingredients I thought would work better. Instead of chicken stock I used vegetable stock (because I thought it might be a little healthier) and instead of sage I used rosemary (because I was out of sage and didn’t realize it…this actually didn’t work out very well because where sage would have been soft leaves that would have diminished and been barely noticeable texture-wise, the rosemary announced itself quite angrily with small sharp twiggy pieces scattered throughout the soft pasta…taste-wise it was totally fantastic, though).

All this I am taking as a sign that I am growing up, cooking wise, at least. I’m making my own decisions instead of lazily putting blind faith in others and I’m learning to chose simple homey recipes that have a greater chance of success than the fancy master-chef recipes I’ve been prone to choose in recent past.

This bodes well for me.

I also made two different kinds of brownies within a week. I’m slowly but surely learning the hard and painful way what ingredients have what effects in the world of baking as well as sticking to my goal of baking as often as possible in an effort to try out the possible future career of a baker.

Wish me continued luck and fortitude!

LittleSpastic Out


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Yeah, I’ll tell you something…

Several years ago my loving mother bought me an electric guitar for my birthday along with case, strap, picks, books and a stellar amp. Everything a rocker girl could ask for.

A few years later my Dad uncovered his old acoustic buried in the garage and decided to entrust it to me.

Now, finally, after years in which I repeatedly re-vowed to myself that I was going to learn guitar and become an awesome rocker girl. After years in which my two guitars sat sad and lonely in the closet accumulating dust. And a few months after I told my Dad to go ahead and sell my amp and electric to make some extra cash for himself cause I was probably never going to learn to play…

I’m finally learning guitar!

I don’t know what made today so different that I was finally able to turn thinking and planning and dreaming…into DOING!!! I was sitting listening this artist named Mishka: a dreaded up Caucasian reggae singer who at first glance looks like the typical “white boy trying to be black” but whose grungy style and musical genre choice are easily explained by the fact that he’s lived his whole live on an old wooden sailboat cruising around the Caribbean. His tunes are so simplistic and yet despite that (or perhaps because of it?) his MISHKA!
songs are so breathtakingly pure and drive straight into your heart, making you feel for a moment horribly emotionally exposed, and then (after a moment of adjustment) so purified and peaceful and easygoing. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to listen to Mishka and be stressed or angry or depressed. Listening to Mishka all day one really can’t help but wish for no money or material goods or fame or fortune…only peace and goodwill for all.

*sigh*….I’m totally addicted.

Anyway, I was listening to him and humming along and marveling at how simplistic it was and yet beautiful and suddenly I was like: “I wanna play this.” So I jumped up and grabbed my computer and looked online for what the chords were. Unfortunately, I didn’t find any that worked for me.  But even then, in a spectacularly uncharacteristic show of determination, I pushed on! I found some chords for “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: one of my favorite songs in the world to sing.

So far I’ve memorized the first 3 chords. Now I just need to get the rest of them, then memorize them in order, then work on speeding up.

I will be victorious!!! And when I am I’ll put it on Youtube!

Wish me luck ^.^

LittleSpastic Out


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Back to Basics: First Step

To recap: In my quest to get back to my core self and rediscover who I am, I will be rediscovering all my old habits, old hobbies, and old guilty pleasures.

I’ll be starting with Yaoi.  Dreadful I know, but as shameful of a hobby as it may be, it has been a constant throughout my life: gay boys have the best love stories and they are most beautifully and poetically presented in manga form. Throughout my whole life whenever I was down yaoi always made me feel better and when I was average yaoi inspired me and made me dream.

It is one thing I know is 100% true about myself: I am a yaoi fan girl. God help me.

So for the next week or so…actually just until I get worn out and manage to tear my eyes away from the computer screen and find the next thing…my apartment will be home of a yaoi fan-fest.

Let the nose-bleeds and tears begin.

LittleSpastic Out.


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Copycat

So I briefly considered titling this entry: “Disconnecting” but that would put me on a whole new level of plagiarism that I can’t quite deal with.  You see, “Disconnect” is the title of a blog entry a certain colleague of mine made and it is this particular blog entry that inspired me to write my own entry that I am…er…currently writing. That was a weird sentence….

But I digress.

What I want to talk about today is the fact that I won’t be writing for a little while. I am doing a little re-vamp of my lifestyle. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of producing. I’ve been writing and talking and making and forming and building. It’s gotten to the point that I’m just putting stuff out into the world without even really knowing if I believe them or not. I say “this is what I believe”, but is it really?

Lately it feels like this blog, which is supposed to be nothing more than a simple documentation of my honest and simple thoughts and beliefs, is actually a long running creative writing assignment. I go through relationships making ultimatums on things that simply have to be or simply can’t be based on an idea of what is my core and central self, based on what is unchangeable. Yet this unchangeable self, this core, seems to change constantly based on the most recent book I read or movie I watched.

In my creative writing: my short stories and poems, I write by putting my self in the shoes of another. I put on a suit made of another personality and I walk and think and speak and feel as if I were that persona. This makes me for a powerful creative writer (when I can actually take the time to finish something) but lately “writer’s licence” my “creative spirit” has been spilling over into real life.

It’s gotten so that every time I have a thought for something to say or do I have to stop myself and think “Is this really something I think or feel, something I want to do, or is it something that would be done or thought or felt by the personality I forgot to take off?”

It’s terrifying, not being able to tell if the feelings you’re having are really honestly yours or if they are just a byproduct of a role you are playing without realizing it.

I get mad at my boy. I walk in to the room and I rant and I rave at him. I tell him all the things he’s doing wrong and how frustrated I am with him. We have a fight, we cry, we go to bed upset.  The next day I honestly can’t figure out what I was so upset about. I think over the things I said and sometimes I agree with them and sometimes I think “that doesn’t sound like me at all.” I was simply playing the role of the righteously furious girlfriend.

Who am I?

I’m really not sure anymore. It feels like my definition of self is constructed of hundreds of different personalities and roles stacked up on one another surrounding an empty core.

My core is gone. I’m empty inside.

So from now on I’m not writing. I’m not speaking. I’m not making decisions about who I am and what I’m going to do with my future. I can’t be trusted.

For now I’m only receiving, ingesting. I’m going back to the basics of the things that formed me and made me what I am. Hobbies, favorites, passions, dreams, the many things that we use to define our identity, I’m going to try to find them again.

Wish me luck!

LittleSpastic Out