Finally started reading A Writers Workbook by Caroline Sharp. My soon-to-be ex-husband got it for me when I first found out I was going on this deployment because I’d told him I was going to use this year of separation from civilization to do all the things I always managed to distract myself from doing. Things like writing some of the novels that have been sitting in my head for years, or learning to play guitar or finding an exercise routine that works for me. I told him this as a way of stifling his fears that I was gonna find some other guy while on deployment. I told him I would be too busy being productive to be seduced. At that point I was still pretending everything was okay. It would take another few weeks to work myself up enough to finally tell him I didn’t want to be married anymore and that as soon as I got back from my deployment I would be wanting a divorce. It wouldn’t be until the day before I left (my birthday of all days) that I would finally be forced to tell him that it wasn’t just the marriage I wanted to be rid of, I wanted to get rid of our relationship as well. I wanted to go back to being friends. And it wouldn’t be until a few months later that it would become impossible for me to find any trace of the boy who had hand-written the words “I Love You” on 365 silk rose petals to signify the 365 days we would be separated during my deployment and littered them all over the floor of an expensive hotel room as a surprise for my birthday. I was then forced to decide that the evil, manipulative, and cruel person I now found myself legally tied to was not someone I could allow to stay in my life for another year. My divorce had to happen NOW. Well, Joe continues to be an unhealthy and hurtful presence in my life and as I consider how exceedingly helpful and inspirational this writer’s workbook is, it occurs to me how strange it is that for all the pain and stress Joe continues to bring into my life every day, how strange that he could still introduce positive influences into my world.
I briefly considered whether I should have read this book back when he gave it to me rather than waiting 7 months and allowing his memories and influenced to reach so far into my present. But it happened the way it was meant to. It was the same way with the book “Eat. Pray. Love.” Joe gave it to me at the same time as the writer’s workbook, but I didn’t read it until 3 months later, just in time for it to serve as the rock I clung to in order to survive the hurricane of chaos and pain that accompanied my decision to start my divorce sooner than previously planned. I waited and forgot about it and ended up rediscovering it just exactly when I was meant to read it, at exactly the time when its words would have the most meaning and impact on my life.
All things happen when and as they are meant to. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. >.<