Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


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WOW Regression

Somebody stop me. I’m seriously considering regressing into my past life as a WOW gamer.

In my defense, I was never the kind of WOWer you hear horror stories about. I never forgot to sleep or eat because I was too busy playing. I never started thinking that the WOW world was the real world. I never gave up on real relationships in favor of my relationships in the game. Shit, I never even played for more than 2 hours at a time. I only played at all because it was literally the best stress releiver I have ever found. Back when I was going through school I would come home with my brain literally ripping apart from all the information I had attempted to ingest that day. I would then sit down to do my homework or study and would momentarily black out and then wake up to find myself in the middle of a violent rage that would often consist of either throwing large breakable things, tearing apart furniture, or attacking innocent bystanders. Then a friend introduced me to World of Warcraft and I developed a new habit of coming home, sitting down at the computer and turning on the game first thing. It was perfect: it used just enough of my brain power to keep my brain from working to make it’s own entertainment, but no more than that so that my brain was able to rest. I would play for an hour or so, then step away feeling fully refreshed as if I’d slept for hours. I would be fully prepared to do my homework, rager-free.

In more recent times, I have been trying to stick to more grown-up acceptable means of relaxation and stress releif. Some examples would be: television, gardening, housework, beer, going out on the town with friends, and sleep. But none of these (even hours worth) can come close to the same condensed healing power of one hour worth of WOW.

…Seriously, I don’t care if it makes me an epic nerd (cause let’s face it I’m pretty enough that my social rep will survive), unless someone comes up with a very compelling argument to disuade me, I am going to buy WOW as soon as I get my new computer.

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Making connections

So according to my most recent Tarot reading, one of my biggest problems currently is that I am lacking a reliable support system. 

My family was already more problem than solution due to an apparent genetic disposition for divorce, but half of said family has recently shown itself to be a diarhea souffle boiling it’s way up and out of the pot to splash all over the kitchen floor, meanwhile the other half is too busy living their lives to be easily reachable for consultations on mine, which is admirable….but still unhelpful.

Being in the military makes it hard to build a friend base. Fellow military friends keep dissapearing due to deployments, change of duty stations, change of job code, or end of service. It becomes even harder when you hate your job and therefore anyone you meet there either has nothing in common with you or is as miserable as you are. I know that the solution is to go meet civilians and make friends with them, but being that I am a very small decently attractive female, I really don’t like going anywhere by myself. It’s a good way to get in trouble. Being that that is the case, it’s a bit of a challenge to go out and meet people. I have to wait for some coworkers to talk about an outing in to a club or festival in front of me, and then forcibly invite myself along (not something I’m proud of but desperate times call for desperate measures).

So! Getting to the point: I had an outing this last weekend that was quite productive. Started out pretty non-plussing, my boyfriend/future husband was in town for one of his rare visits and somehow I ended up DDing for my roommate and her friends. How did this happen you ask? Not sure. I suspect the culprit to be some combination of me being way more selfless than is healthy and my friends not knowing when to say “Stop helping people you crazy bitch! You have way too many problems of your own to still be volunteering to help others!” It turned out to be a worthwhile adventure though. We ended up at the local gay club (not to say there’s only one gay club in town since in fact there’s a whole strip of them, just that this is THE gay club) and since I wasn’t drinking and was therefore entirely too sober to make a fool of myself on the dance floor, I ended up spending a lot of time out at the smoking patio meeting interesting new people.

The characters of the evening are as follows:

Sister Frida Lay and his husband (whose name escapes me…something along the lines of “Runs-with-lashes”), both honorable members of the Sisterhood of Perpetual Indulgence. I had never heard of them, and if any of you lovely readers are unfamiliar with them, please go check them out. They are awesome and they have a website.  Anyway, they were a super adorable couple and I very much enjoyed talking to them about how they met and how me and my boy met (oddly similar stories) and about their organization and the events they have planned in the near future.

Barbara and Jen: Or Barbara and Jess? Not quite sure on that. Anyway, probably the two most gorgeous women I’ve ever had the pleasure of being within 2 ft. from. And the fact that they’re married to eachother makes them twice as interesting. But the intrigue doesn’t stop there!!! They are also highly involved in the local gay community and are currently working on a local version of the t.v. show “The Real L Word”, tres tres cool. But probably the thing I most liked about them was that they were the lesbian version of me and my boy. Very amusing if a bit surreal. Like, Jen/Jes was very charismatic and easy to talk to outgoing and inspiring…..aaaand a little longwinded (lol) and I couldn’t help but turn to my boy with a grin and say “holy shit babe, it’s female you!” Then a few minutes later Barbara (who had been pretty quiet this whole time) finally gave a long-suffering sigh before interrupting her lady love with with “Jesus christ, baby, shut up and let someone else get a word in edgewise!” which caused my boy to give me a friendly jab in the side before whispering in my ear “and isn’t that convenient, that one’s the lesbian you.” 

These three couples together made for a very energetic group and I believe I enjoyed myself even more than I would have had I been drinking and dancing. Not to mention that my boyfriend somehow convinced our table mates that I was THE MOST AMAZING GIRL IN THE WORLD! which meant I got a whole night of embarassingly over the top compliments from our new friends. I don’t really believe any of what they said, but it made for a nice self-esteem boost for a little while, which I’m sure I was desperately in need of.

The point of this post, however, is not the compliments I received. The point is that I was able to make friends with some super amazing borderline-famous people who I never would have expected to have any interest in me. Which basically tells me that up until this point I have obviously been trying to make friends in the wrong circles, since every friendship attempt I’ve made up til now has left me feeling as if I’m an unwanted annoyance to those around me (something I’m sure they didn’t mean, but which still says volumes about our compatability).

I am tentatively optimistic that the convenient convergence of three events (tarot reading, first recent successful social outing, and my being spartan kicked out of my “safety zone” due to my roommate leaving and being replaced by a stranger at the same time that I find myself completly cut off from my familial safety net) is a sign that now is a perfect time for me to step out of the sad (though safe) little bubble I’ve created for myself and start taking risks in order to find a place where I will feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and happy in a way I haven’t been since I left my hometown years ago. WISH ME LUCK!!!


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Waiter, fetch me a muzzle!

Someone slap me. I am about two snarky bitter comments away from being very lonely. Here’s the crazy thing: I know I’m being a bitch. Before it even comes out of my mouth I know its a terrible thing to say. I know that im hurting everyone around me and I know none of them deserve it. But I just can’t stop myself. I’m sure I could simplify this whole situation by just saying that my life sucks and my entire family is falling apart so I’ve earned the right to vent my emotions a little on the unsuspecting public. That would sound sensible, and people may even buy it. But unfortunately that’s not what’s happening. I’m not doing this to vent, I’m not even doing this on purpose. I’m trying to go through life normally, I’m even trying to be nice. But the thing is I am sooooo full of hate and I have no constructive place to put it….so its just bubbling out all over the place and leaving a greasy black stain all around me. What I REALLY need is for some asshole to grab my ass at a bar, or to hurt someone I care about in front of me, or break into my house, and give me an excuse to beat the ever loving tar out of them until I walk away with a shirt soaked in blood. Yeah..that would probably make me feel a hell of a lot better. Guess I should start walking down more dark late night alleys. Until then, someone please fetch me a muzzle before I manage to talk my boyfriend into getting his money back for that engagement ring and using it to go rifling through titty bars looking for my replacement.