Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.

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I’m reeling.

That last blog post has proven to be the most…errr…productive? eventful?…thing I’ve ever written.

Backstory: I wrote that blog after a conversation with Mike. I had called him in the morning after a night of talking about engagements and weddings with my roommate. I was feeling confident and optimistic about Mike and I’s relationship. I called him up bubbling over with happy-go-lucky easy-going girly-girl love. His response was…not as enthusiastic as I’d hoped. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was worried about our future together. So funny, every time I’m confident in us he is uncertain, and every time I am uncertain he is confident. I told him to stop having doubts because we were fine and amazing and full of happy happy love! It seemed to work and he seemed to feel better but as soon as I hung up with him I realized it was too late, his doubts had crept into my happy happy heart and were starting to eat away at my confidence.

So I wrote that last blog post because that’s what I do when I’m feeling confused about my own feelings or state of mind: I write down whatever pops into my head and eventually it all makes sense. It worked, I felt a bit better. Then, in a brief moment of impulsiveness, I sent Mike the link to that post. He read it, poured himself an alcoholic beverage, and called me up for a long difficult talk.

End result: we broke up.

Now, it’s not quite as tragic as you might think. We are still friends and we still love eachother…we’re just not dating anymore.

I didn’t think it would make much difference, actually. I mean, we were already separated, I’m still allowed to call him and tell him I love him and miss him. But, surprisingly, it does make a difference, a big one.  Just that simple little change in our title for eachother makes a huge difference and it depresses the shit out of me.. Knowing that I can date people now depresses the shit out of me. Knowing that he can date people now depresses the shit out of me. Having to sensor everything I say to him to decide “is that something that’s still acceptable now that we’re not dating anymore” depresses the shit out of me. Having to picture a future without him in it depresses the shit out of me. The fact that every romantic thing I see or hear and every story told to me by a married coworker reminds me of him only to be immediately followed by the realization that such things don’t apply to us anymore, depresses the shit out of me.

Of course, that’s why we broke up. When I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life when I get out of the military, Mike told me to stop trying to come up with something that went fit inside of his future plan. He told me I needed to picture a future without him in it and that was the only way I would figure out what I honestly wanted to do all by myself, and that once I had that figured out we would come up with a way to put the two separate dreams next to each other and stitch them together. So I tried it, and I couldn’t do it. That terrified me. My whole life I have always had a backup plan, an escape hatch, a way to survive and be okay if everything in my world fell apart. And I suddenly realized that for the first time I didn’t have that. I had allowed myself to fully rely on this man and put the entire weight of my future on his shoulders and on my faith that we would never ever break up. And if something went wrong, I would be completely lost in the middle of the ocean with not even the smallest piece of driftwood to cling to. That was terrifying, unhealthy for me, and not fair to him.

So we broke up and now we’re taking some time to work on ourselves. He needs to focus on his career and stop letting himself get distracted by daydreams of me and our future together. He also said he needs to get stronger.

But I’m the one who really needs some work. I’ve been seeing a therapist and she has put names to a couple of character flaws I always knew I had but just never pinned down into words before.

Meggo’s Problem #1: I have never had a chance to experiment and make my own decisions and make mistakes. These are all things that are necessary to build personal boundaries and a strong sense of self.

Meggo’s Problem #2: I have no boundaries or sense of self. This makes it very easy to lose myself in a relationship and get absorbed into the other person. This is what allowed me to end up a slave to an emotionally abusive and life sucking marriage. My current relationship with Mike is the opposite of abusive, but this no boundaries thing is still a huge problem because even though Mike isn’t trying to control me or anything, just him having a strong confident personality is enough to cause my personality to wither and get absorbed into his. Like a tiny flower planted right next to a big tree: I’m not big enough to reach the light when someone so big and strong is so close to me. I need to be planted somewhere else for awhile, somewhere big and open, until I get big and strong enough in my own right to survive next to a big tree.

Meggo’s Problem #3: I don’t know who I am, therefore I have no direction, there fore I am generally unhappy and filled with feelings of stagnation and being lost.

Meggo’s Problem #4: I never took time to heal from my past marriage and to process all the thoughts and feelings I had from its failure, this means I brought all of that negativity and anxiety and anger right along with me into my new relationship.

Solution: I need to take some time for myself. I need to try new things, I need to make decisions, I need to make mistakes, I need to start accumulating a list of things I like, things I don’t like, and things that set me apart from other people. In this way I will begin to define my core self and to build boundaries around that core self and create a strong internal image of who I am so that I can be in a relationship and, rather than melting away into that person, keep us as two separate strong people working together to build a relationship within the space between our two separate selves. Along the way I will also hopefully find a goal for myself that will give me a direction to follow.

In essence, I’m going all the way back to the plan I had before I met Mike, the plan I set aside because he was more important, a plan that should never have been delayed or ignored.

It seems to be working. Already my head feels clearer and less filled with panic and uncertainty. I didn’t realize that I had created some twisted stepford-wife view of my future with Mike until we broke up and I could see a more realistic future: one that has me in tank tops and ripped jeans instead of a 1940’s dress and apron. One that has me painting when Mike gets home or running off to the bar to work instead of planning a 3 course dinner.

I’ll try to keep you posted on other developments as this goes on. WISH ME LUCK! I’m pretty sure I’ll need it…


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Pin the tail on your future

So for those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning of this blog (which is all of you because NO ONE was with me at the beginning, it was just me muttering to myself in the dark): this blog, as per its title, is a biography of sorts documenting my journey from a dark place of self-destruction, anger, and confusion to a place somewhere in the future where I will be happy and peaceful and optimistic and able to love myself. The key word in this description is JOURNEY. Journeys are very rarely straight lines from point A to point B. Journeys are full of twists and turns and soaring ascensions and disastrous pitfalls.

So after two years of glorious upward progress and optimism, I have now reached the top of the hill and am beginning a steady head over heels tumble down the other side. Now is the beginning of the dark times so hang in there sports fans, you’re about to follow me on a bumpy semi-psychotic ride.

So…what to say? I suppose I should try to describe to you all where I’m at right now, emotionally speaking?

I’m lost.

I feel like I was walking steadily along a pleasant country lane, my destination just beginning to appear on the horrizon, when I was suddenly attacked by a faceless figure from a tree above. This figure then proceeded to blindfold me, bind my hands behind me, then spin me around for awhile until I started to black out and then set me free like some viscious and terrifying game of pin the tail on the donkey. Now I am blind and defenseless, stumbling clumsily around in an unknown direction, just praying I don’t fall in a ditch and break my neck.

I swear I had a clear destination in mind, a clear goal…but I’m so confused and disoriented that I can’t remember what it was. I feel like I’m all the way back at square one with a million paths laying out in front of me and not the faintest idea what to choose…

A week ago I was dead set on a career in psychology. I was looking at classes, reading books, and even shadowing a psychologist. I had been settled on this career choice for months. Now that feels like eons ago. Now I’m back to having no clue what I want to do. I’m considering psychology still, and english, and sociology, and folklore, and now I’m even looking into baking. Hell, maybe I’ll give art another try.

A week ago I was fully confident in my future with Mike. We were gonna support eachother through a year and half of this long distance bullshit, then I was gonna get out and go to florida to be with him and then sit down and start figuring out my next move. We would spend some time just enjoying being able to fall asleep next to eachother every night, and eventually when it felt right we would get married. I would tailor my career plans to allow us to travel wherever the military feels like sending us and eventually when we’re done having fun and being rebellious, we would have kids. Now I have no idea if we’ll even last to Christmas. And I’m terrified that if we do last long enough to move in together, our relationship won’t get any better, and we’ll have struggled all this time for nothing. And I’m even more terrified that if that happens we’ll end up keeping an awful relationship going just because we’ve put too much effort and time into it to let it die.

He told me today he was worried I was giving up on dreams and goals in order to be able to follow him. The truth is even worse. It terrifies me that I don’t even have any dreams to give up for him. I have no goals, no stars to guide me, my compass is blank.  All I know is that where I am is wrong. What I’m doing is wrong. This is not where I am meant to be and this is not what I am meant to be doing. But I’m not allowed to go anywhere else and I don’t know what else I can do. All I know is I am desperate for a change, any change. Maybe cutting my hair will help these feelings of panic and unease go away, maybe it won’t help at all and will just be the first of many acts of destructive behavior.

Some more terrifying thoughts that come spiraling out of the dark behind this blindfold:

What if the only reason I’m trying so hard to make things work with Mike is because he’s all I have? My family is too caught up in their own insane bullshit to help me. I can’t be alone, I’ll go into a downward spiral so fast and so twisted it’ll knock your socks off. I don’t have any REAL friends, the kind of friends that are always there for you to give you a couch to crash on and to help you remember who you are.

All I have is Mike. If I lose him I will be all alone in the world.

All I have to look forward to in my future is getting out of the military and the only way I can do that is if I know that Mike will be there to take care of me.

Even though our relationship is insane and full of fighting, Mike is the only decent thing I have going on in my life.  But is that a good enough reason to be with someone? If I had a job I cared about and wasn’t living in a city I despise, would I still want to be with him? Am I only with him because I’m terrified that if I don’ t have him as a boyfriend I won’t have him in my life at all and that will be the end of the one light point in my world and from then on all will be dark and ruined?

This is not the first time I’ve had thoughts like this. Every guy I’ve ever broken up with has been pretty much for the same reason: I enjoy being with them, but I don’t feel like I have good enough reasons to be with them so I dump them for some abstract greater good. Is that wrong? Or is it sensible?

I’m so confused.

I’m so lost.

I’ve completely lost my bearings and I feel my footing slipping.

I’m desperate for the world to stop spinning and for me to just find something, anything, to stick my pin in and cling to.

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Rainy nights

01:47 AM, Friday 14 September 2012

You don’t have your phone with you, so ill leave this message here instead and pretend that you’re reading it as I type it and maybe that will make me feel better.

I need you right now. I need to feel your arms around me, your warmth at my back. But that’s not possible because you’re 3 states away…so let’s try this again:

I need you right now. I need to hear your voice on the phone. And its not your fault that I can’t have that, you didn’t do anything wrong, its just bad timing. Any other day I would be fine with you leaving your phone home to charge while you go to the bar…and I told you it was fine today, I know I did…but then it started raining.

The rain is for you and me. It always has been.

When the tropical storms would come at the beginning of our relationship the big fat raindrops on the metal roofs made such a racket that it was the only time we could have sex and fully give ourselves to the moment. In that cocoon of chaotic noise we could pretend we were a normal couple…one that didn’t have to pretend we were just “bros” in public and that had to bite their own hands and stuff pillows behind the headboard to keep from making noise through the paper thin walls and letting the whole world know we were doing something we weren’t supposed to.

On rainy days we could spend all day together, just the two of us and be fully ourselves without having to worry about anyone coming and knocking on our doors and forcing us to come up with excuses for why I’m in your room or why you weren’t in your room so early in the morning.

I will never forget the day the hurricane hit and we had to swim home together and as soon as we made it to higher ground, you said “I’ve always wanted to do this” and spun around and grabbed my face and kissed me with waterfalls streaming down on both of us. I made fun of you for acting out a scene from some stupid sappy chick flick, but it was just as beautiful and unforgettable as all those stupid girls in their shiny lip gloss always tried to convince me it would be, and all I could think for the rest of the night was “How can I NOT marry a guy who has the magic ability to make a tomboy like me swoon over cheesy romantic movie scenes”.

Of all the nights that you’ve held me in your arms, it’s the times when its raining that I feel you most clearly. The rainy nights are the ones I can most easily remember, the ones I pull out of my memory boxes when I’m missing you and need to pretend you’re here so I’ll be able to fall asleep.

And its the rainy nights when I most clearly feel the lack of you here. It is the rainy nights when I feel the most broken, the most out of sorts without you. It is the rainy nights when I most need to hear your voice.

It is not your fault you don’t have your phone right now. But I really hope this message somehow reaches you by psychic bandwidth and you feel a sudden overpowering need to leave the bar and go home and check your phone and see the missed call from me and call me back because I really need to get some sleep soon and I can’t do that until I talk to you.

Please baby.

I need you.