Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


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The power of “EN”

Japanese culture lesson for you today wrapped up inside a reminder to all the ladies who, like me, have a bad habit of tricking themselves into falling in love too easily.

Ok, so I was reading this manga “Kimi Wa Pet” (sidenote: Snarkysnatch, you should check this out if you have ANY interest in mangas, it’s about a successful ball-busting bussinesswoman who takes in a young homeless male ballet dancer as a pet, for some reason it made me think of you ^.^)and they mentioned something that I just can’t get out of my head. They were talking about these two kanji “IN and “EN” which, apparently, according to buddhist teachings, have a very interesting relationship to eachother.

In the story they said: “A thing can only come into being when the immediate cause (IN) and the indirect cause (EN) are associated with eachother.” The characters in the story then used this as a jumping off point for a very complex discussion about how people end up together and how to tell if it’s meant to be or not which lasted for an entire chapter. The main character thought she had it all figured out and told her friend that obviously she and her boyfriend had “EN” because they had ended up at the same school together and in the same class, where she had fallen for him, and then they later re-entered eachother’s lives at the same company and started dating. There was such a small chance that they would end up in the same place like that, so obviously they have “EN” and are meant to be together. Her friend, however, had a different view on the subject. She said that being put in the same place is an OPPORTUNITY to be together, and that falls under “IN” and you can have “IN” all day but that doesn’t neccesarily mean that “EN” is present, and therefore doesn’t mean you are meant to be together.

Now, I found this all REALLY thought-provoking, but it doesn’t do a very good job of actually explaining what “IN” and “EN” are. So after several hours of googling, I finally found a much better explanation that I would now like to share with you:

IN-Cause, Reason, Because. That which produces a result or effect.
EN-Predestined Affinity.

So to go back to the explanation by the best friend from the manga: IN is the window of opportunity when the universe sees fit to put you in front of another person. EN is unfathomable force that decides what is meant to be permanent and what is meant to be only temporary. You can have opportunities or “IN” but they won’t result in anything if you don’t have “EN”. In fact there’s probably people you see (thanks to “IN”) every day, but have never talked to and never remember the next day because there’s no “EN” between you too. Kind of a lonely thought…

Anyway, if you put the two symbols together they make “Fate”-A chance meeting or opportunity that presents itself by fate. Direct causes and indirect conditions, which underlie the actions of all things. Sometimes used to describe a cosmic chain of events or cause and effect.

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo of it. I think it’s a really healthy thing for a lot of girls (including me) to remember. Just because a guy catches your attention and likes you back, doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Maybe you’re meant to be friends. Maybe you’re meant to date a little, learn from each other, and then move on. And maybe that guy who you think just keeps weirdly popping up for no reason, is actually full of “EN” and you just haven’t figured it out yet.

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Separation Anxiety Re-mix Part 1

Had a session with my therapist this morning. Today’s topic was my Separation Anxiety. Since I was a little kid I’ve had the unfortunate inclination to live in constant fear that everyone and everything I care about is going to leave me. This inclination, in turn, causes an unforunate habit of seeing something I like and immediately grabbing it in a death grip to keep it from escaping. This is unsettling with objects, but with people it is disastrous and often pushes them away even faster.

I was reminded to bring up this particular topic today not, as you may think, due to something related to Mike and I. I thought of it due to an outing this last weekend with a friend of mine.  My friend J invited me out to Oktoberfest on Saturday. This was a big thing for me because I haven’t been getting out much due to everything I’ve been going through. So I met him at his house and we drove over there with two of his friends I had never met. When we got there we met up with two more people I didn’t know and we all spent the day enjoying all Oktoberfest had to offer as a group. It was awesome.

…And then I spent the next couple days having a staring contest with my phone. I had to repeatedly remind myself that it’s not okay to obsessively text people and also that if they don’t talk to me every day it doesn’t for sure mean they don’t like me so I should just calm the fuck down. It was way harder than it should have been. So…yeah.

On the bright side: it gave me and my therapist something to talk about now that we’ve finished family issues, dating issues, and future career plan issues. More good news: my therapist says that the fact that I’m able to see it happening shows that I”m making progress towards fixing it.

So…you know. One step at a time I guess.


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Gift or Curse?

So I just spent 3 days pretty sure I was pregnant.

In other words I just spent 3 days having a bi-polar panic attack.

I kept flip flopping back and forth between being desperately hopeful that I was pregnant, and being unable to breath past the fear that I might be.

Hopeful because then even if I lost Mike for real and we never got back together, I would still have a little piece of him to keep forever.

Terrified because I knew that I would have to live a constant lie and make sure he didn’t find out I was pregnant. Because I know that if I told him, he would come back immediately. He would marry me and we would raise our child together. And I would spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened to us if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. Would he have found someone else? Would he have gotten a little space from me and realized life is so much easier away from my drama? Would he have married someone else? I would either end up resenting my child as the posible REAL person Mike came back for…or I would become a nervous wreck from living in constant fear of finding out the truth when that kid went away to college.

In other yet mildly related news: I need to get out of my house more. I am slowly yet surely sinking into a quicksand pit of misery. I spend way too much time sitting around having idiotic awful thoughts: like imagining telling Mike I’m pregnant and then finding out he started dating some other girl and they’re super happy together but he dumps her and comes back to me and she comes and yells at me like “He doesn’t love you anymore! He loves me! He’s only coming back to you because of your baby!” and I’m like “Thanks bitch, already thought of all that, but thanks for reminding me of it and rubbing it in.” Or before the baby fear I pictured going to florida for a surprise visit and his new girl answering the front door in his football jersey and boxer shirts…which is usually MY official uniform for lounging around the house…and then I black out and wake up in prison with bloody handprints.  Luckily I have at least ONE decent friend down here in armpit, USA…and he’s invited me to a beer pong party at his house. Hopefully there’s more than that going on, because beer pong is way too boring to keep me distracted from my own idiotic miserable mind for very long…


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Moving on…

So Mike just asked me if it would break my heart if he asked someone else out.

I want to believe him when he says he’s just trying to follow the rules of this excercise we’re doing. That he’s just trying to experience new things and break free of me a little bit so that he won’t be so dependent on me ….and that he’s trying to do all this as quickly as possible so we can get back together as soon as possible.

But I can’t help but be angry…and hurt…and afraid that him being able to look at other girls only a week after we broke up…while at the same time I haven’t even managed to accept that we really are broken up yet…I can’t help but think that this is a sign of something awful…that maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did…as much as he claims to.