So I just spent 3 days pretty sure I was pregnant.
In other words I just spent 3 days having a bi-polar panic attack.
I kept flip flopping back and forth between being desperately hopeful that I was pregnant, and being unable to breath past the fear that I might be.
Hopeful because then even if I lost Mike for real and we never got back together, I would still have a little piece of him to keep forever.
Terrified because I knew that I would have to live a constant lie and make sure he didn’t find out I was pregnant. Because I know that if I told him, he would come back immediately. He would marry me and we would raise our child together. And I would spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened to us if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. Would he have found someone else? Would he have gotten a little space from me and realized life is so much easier away from my drama? Would he have married someone else? I would either end up resenting my child as the posible REAL person Mike came back for…or I would become a nervous wreck from living in constant fear of finding out the truth when that kid went away to college.
In other yet mildly related news: I need to get out of my house more. I am slowly yet surely sinking into a quicksand pit of misery. I spend way too much time sitting around having idiotic awful thoughts: like imagining telling Mike I’m pregnant and then finding out he started dating some other girl and they’re super happy together but he dumps her and comes back to me and she comes and yells at me like “He doesn’t love you anymore! He loves me! He’s only coming back to you because of your baby!” and I’m like “Thanks bitch, already thought of all that, but thanks for reminding me of it and rubbing it in.” Or before the baby fear I pictured going to florida for a surprise visit and his new girl answering the front door in his football jersey and boxer shirts…which is usually MY official uniform for lounging around the house…and then I black out and wake up in prison with bloody handprints. Luckily I have at least ONE decent friend down here in armpit, USA…and he’s invited me to a beer pong party at his house. Hopefully there’s more than that going on, because beer pong is way too boring to keep me distracted from my own idiotic miserable mind for very long…