Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.

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Very helpful words of wisdom from a talented blogger.

The Truth Warrior

Are You Trying To Be Somebody Your Not?

Many of us, myself included, have been conditioned to not be truly ourselves from an early age. We have built up layers of masks to the outside world, never really revealing who we really are.

Wouldn’t it be an amazing world if we allowed ourselves the gift to be fully and truly ourselves?

We have been taught to deny how we truly feel and not say what we truly think. This people pleasing behaviour has prevented us from really been seen for who we truly are, warts and all. It also denies us the opportunity to fully love and accept ourselves in front of another, when we are revealing to them who we truly are.

I feel inspired to write about this because on my recent journey on the Camino de Santiago, I felt complete freedom and the opportunity to be fully myself. I feel I gave myself the permission to do…

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Single Life

So, this is my first experience being single and free. I mean, I was single a bunch in High School, but that doesn’t really count…being single doesn’t count until you start dating for the first time. And dating doesn’t count if you don’t see each other outside school. Being single before you’ve ever really dated isn’t called “being single”, it’s called “being a kid”. I was still a kid all the way up to getting married. Then I went straight from being married to being in a relationship so serious it might as well have been marriage. So this is my first time being single.

I’m not dealing with it well. I started out a miserable depressed lump that no one wanted to be around. Then I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and tried to be a crazy social party girl and latching onto random people in a desperate attempt to fill the void left by my ex. Neither approach was productive or helpful.

So now I’m gonna start putting a lot of effort into quieting down all the desperate lonely voices and reaching grasping hands inside of me, not by giving into them and giving them something to hold onto…but instead by taking the inner landscape of my mind, all those reaching clawing hands, and holding them like play-doh and re-forming it into the form of a girl sitting in the lotus yoga pose, sturdy and centered with shoulders squared and head held high, all alone in a big empty dark silent space. Instead of being afraid of the dark and sad and lonely, she relishes in the quiet and the solitude as a chance to spend time with the one person who matters most and who most needs her time and attention and love: herself.

I will focus on fostering the quiet calm inside myself. And once the hollow void inside me stops shaking and cracking and twisting with pain, once it settles into a quiet state, like a firm and solid bowl. Only then, when the desperation to be filled goes away…only then will I fill that void. But I will not fill it with someone else as I have before. I will fill it with myself. Not with words of praise and love from another, but with words of praise and love from myself. I can not keep going on this roller coaster ride: throwing my heart and soul desperately into a stranger’s hands, then crying out in betrayal when they don’t treat it as well as I wish they would.

As they say: if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. If I want my heart to be cared for and protected and nourished with positivity: the only person I can trust with such an important job is myself.

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Just in case you guys wanted to read the other side of the story. Here’s a blog post by my ex boyfriend and/or future again-boyfriend: “Mike”.

Internal Gingerness at it's best

What is in a tear? Other than what we see and how we know it tastes? What about crying brings on the tears other than the reaction your eyes have from being squinted in pain or fury? If only tears could bring the sadness with them as they fall from your flush cheeks. Sadly that is not the case. I have cried very few times in my life and today was one of the days I could not choke back those salty spheres of sadness. Never have I ever felt so betrayed more than on this day. I wish I could say I feel better after having lost approximately 30% of my hydration from bawling like a like a baby who had just had it’s pacifier ripped from it’s lips. I’m sure that for anyone reading this right now they are thinking or saying to themselves “Well why the hell…

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SOOOO amazing! Exactly what I needed right now…

Her file is heavy, thick and pregnant with the details of over a decade of brokenness, pain, confusion and hopelessness.
I have been watching her for four days while she wanders though the hallways and the courtyard like a ghost without a plan. She breathes and moves and sees and knows to pause for the food cart and to step aside for a busy nurse, yet there is no one home. She is alive yet not alive. Not living, just existing.
In the hope I might be able to understand what would cause a woman so young to be so burdened, I pull her file and begin to read. I open up the transcript of her most recent admission interview. It makes no sense, her words are strung against words which were never meant to be partnered, it is nonsense and it is tragic. A woman admitted so mentally ill…

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Separation Anxiety Re-mix Part 2

So 4 days ago I called Mike in search of some advice. It was purely on reflex and I didn’t even pause to think

about how inappropriate that might be now that we’re broken up. About halfway into the conversation it finally hit me and I apologized to him for bothering him with such things when I’m not his problem anymore. He had a very touching and sweet response. He told me that it didn’t matter that we’d broken up, I would always be his best friend, he would always love me and would always be there if I needed him. I teared up like crazy and had a nice little extra skip in my step for the rest of the day.

Then 2 days ago after an awful day and in the middle of a family crisis, I got a text from him that said, quite simply: “I’m seeing someone else now, we can’t talk they way we’ve been anymore.”
Well…quite the rapid 180. So I immediately called him just to make sure it was actually from him and that his phone hadn’t been hacked. Turned out it was real.

I had too much going on to deal with it at that time. The next day, however, it really hit me. I did not, as would probably be expected, break down into a pathetic sobbing mess. Instead, I got mad; FURIOUS, in fact. I sent him a series of vicious messages telling him he was a liar and had broken the promises he’d made to never let me go no matter how far apart we grew and to never put any other person above me. I told him he had broken my heart and that I hoped the guilt followed him forever and kept him awake at night.

Well, he called me back and said that I misunderstood him. He apologized for not properly explaining himself and assured me that he still loved me above all and would be with me again someday and that he would never forget me, but that he needed some space from me for a little bit so he could focus on another girl in order to work on his personal relationship issues.

I don’t know…I want to believe him. But the skeptic part of me is worried that worst case scenario I’m just desperately trying to cling onto something that’s already dead and gone, and best case scenario he really means it when he says he’ll never let me go, but that’s just because HE’S the one clinging to something that’s already dead and gone and he’s in denial and refuses to acknowledge that he’s already moved beyond my reach.

In trying to deal with these events I’ve made a discovery: I don’t want blind optimism. The next person who tells me it’ll all be okay might get punched in the mouth. How the fuck do you know it’ll be alright? Can you see the future? All I want is for someone to understand what I’m going through. No one around me is sympathetic to my plight, none of them have ever loved that deeply. They don’t understand why something as simple as a breakup would bother me so much.

No one near me was there at the beginning of Mike and I.  They saw me when I was still with Joe and was still in denial about how bad he was for me and was defending him…then I left for a year and the next time they saw me I was head over heals in love with a different guy. From their point of view it was an overnight change. They didn’t get to see all the things that led to me falling for him. They didn’t see him being my shoulder to cry on during a bloody world war of a divorce. They didn’t see how the first night I fell asleep in his arms was the first time in my memory I ever slept peacefully through a night without nightmares.

They didn’t get to see me when I got mono and was bedridden and didn’t even have the energy to walk the 5 steps to the bathroom on my own. He stayed glued to my side every second for a week waiting on me hand and foot and blowing off friends and sports championships and events he’d planned weeks in advance because none of it was more important to him than being there for me. None of the people that are around me now saw me the day I looked in the mirror and saw the smile on my face, a type of smile I had never seen on my own face before, and realized that for the first time in my life I was 100% happy with no ifs ands or buts.

They didn’t see any of that, so they don’t understand why I’m so upset. They don’t understand that I am terrified. I mean, it took 21 years for me to feel that effortlessly happy, that purely myself. Doesn’t it make sense that I would be terrified of how long it may take me to find it again…if I EVER find it again?

Luckily I have ONE friend who understands. A friend who recently went through the exact same situation I am going through now with the exact same thoughts and feelings and fears. And the girl he loved and lost said and did the exact same things Mike is saying and doing now. I can’t even describe how it feels to tell someone what I’m thinking and feeling and hear, not “get over it” or “you’ll be okay”, but quite simply “I’ve been there, I’ve felt that pain, you’re not alone, and I would be shocked if you were okay right now”.

I just hope Mike and I turn out better than my friend and his girl did. They are done forever. I want to believe that Mike and I will come together again someday, but I have to admit my confidence is shattering under the combined weight of seeing a relationship EXACTLY like ours go down the garbage disposal, hearing people who used to 100% believe that Mike and I would last forever, now telling me that I’m deluding myself if I can’t see that he’s already gone, and of course Mike’s own words and actions are not helping any either.

God, Buddha, Shiva, Mother Earth. Someone help me get through this. All I want, all I’ve ever prayed for, is to find some way to be happy. I guess, in true Greek tragedy fashion, I forgot to ask for that happiness to last…