So 4 days ago I called Mike in search of some advice. It was purely on reflex and I didn’t even pause to think
about how inappropriate that might be now that we’re broken up. About halfway into the conversation it finally hit me and I apologized to him for bothering him with such things when I’m not his problem anymore. He had a very touching and sweet response. He told me that it didn’t matter that we’d broken up, I would always be his best friend, he would always love me and would always be there if I needed him. I teared up like crazy and had a nice little extra skip in my step for the rest of the day.
Then 2 days ago after an awful day and in the middle of a family crisis, I got a text from him that said, quite simply: “I’m seeing someone else now, we can’t talk they way we’ve been anymore.”
Well…quite the rapid 180. So I immediately called him just to make sure it was actually from him and that his phone hadn’t been hacked. Turned out it was real.
I had too much going on to deal with it at that time. The next day, however, it really hit me. I did not, as would probably be expected, break down into a pathetic sobbing mess. Instead, I got mad; FURIOUS, in fact. I sent him a series of vicious messages telling him he was a liar and had broken the promises he’d made to never let me go no matter how far apart we grew and to never put any other person above me. I told him he had broken my heart and that I hoped the guilt followed him forever and kept him awake at night.
Well, he called me back and said that I misunderstood him. He apologized for not properly explaining himself and assured me that he still loved me above all and would be with me again someday and that he would never forget me, but that he needed some space from me for a little bit so he could focus on another girl in order to work on his personal relationship issues.
I don’t know…I want to believe him. But the skeptic part of me is worried that worst case scenario I’m just desperately trying to cling onto something that’s already dead and gone, and best case scenario he really means it when he says he’ll never let me go, but that’s just because HE’S the one clinging to something that’s already dead and gone and he’s in denial and refuses to acknowledge that he’s already moved beyond my reach.
In trying to deal with these events I’ve made a discovery: I don’t want blind optimism. The next person who tells me it’ll all be okay might get punched in the mouth. How the fuck do you know it’ll be alright? Can you see the future? All I want is for someone to understand what I’m going through. No one around me is sympathetic to my plight, none of them have ever loved that deeply. They don’t understand why something as simple as a breakup would bother me so much.
No one near me was there at the beginning of Mike and I. They saw me when I was still with Joe and was still in denial about how bad he was for me and was defending him…then I left for a year and the next time they saw me I was head over heals in love with a different guy. From their point of view it was an overnight change. They didn’t get to see all the things that led to me falling for him. They didn’t see him being my shoulder to cry on during a bloody world war of a divorce. They didn’t see how the first night I fell asleep in his arms was the first time in my memory I ever slept peacefully through a night without nightmares.
They didn’t get to see me when I got mono and was bedridden and didn’t even have the energy to walk the 5 steps to the bathroom on my own. He stayed glued to my side every second for a week waiting on me hand and foot and blowing off friends and sports championships and events he’d planned weeks in advance because none of it was more important to him than being there for me. None of the people that are around me now saw me the day I looked in the mirror and saw the smile on my face, a type of smile I had never seen on my own face before, and realized that for the first time in my life I was 100% happy with no ifs ands or buts.
They didn’t see any of that, so they don’t understand why I’m so upset. They don’t understand that I am terrified. I mean, it took 21 years for me to feel that effortlessly happy, that purely myself. Doesn’t it make sense that I would be terrified of how long it may take me to find it again…if I EVER find it again?
Luckily I have ONE friend who understands. A friend who recently went through the exact same situation I am going through now with the exact same thoughts and feelings and fears. And the girl he loved and lost said and did the exact same things Mike is saying and doing now. I can’t even describe how it feels to tell someone what I’m thinking and feeling and hear, not “get over it” or “you’ll be okay”, but quite simply “I’ve been there, I’ve felt that pain, you’re not alone, and I would be shocked if you were okay right now”.
I just hope Mike and I turn out better than my friend and his girl did. They are done forever. I want to believe that Mike and I will come together again someday, but I have to admit my confidence is shattering under the combined weight of seeing a relationship EXACTLY like ours go down the garbage disposal, hearing people who used to 100% believe that Mike and I would last forever, now telling me that I’m deluding myself if I can’t see that he’s already gone, and of course Mike’s own words and actions are not helping any either.
God, Buddha, Shiva, Mother Earth. Someone help me get through this. All I want, all I’ve ever prayed for, is to find some way to be happy. I guess, in true Greek tragedy fashion, I forgot to ask for that happiness to last…