So, this is my first experience being single and free. I mean, I was single a bunch in High School, but that doesn’t really count…being single doesn’t count until you start dating for the first time. And dating doesn’t count if you don’t see each other outside school. Being single before you’ve ever really dated isn’t called “being single”, it’s called “being a kid”. I was still a kid all the way up to getting married. Then I went straight from being married to being in a relationship so serious it might as well have been marriage. So this is my first time being single.
I’m not dealing with it well. I started out a miserable depressed lump that no one wanted to be around. Then I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and tried to be a crazy social party girl and latching onto random people in a desperate attempt to fill the void left by my ex. Neither approach was productive or helpful.
So now I’m gonna start putting a lot of effort into quieting down all the desperate lonely voices and reaching grasping hands inside of me, not by giving into them and giving them something to hold onto…but instead by taking the inner landscape of my mind, all those reaching clawing hands, and holding them like play-doh and re-forming it into the form of a girl sitting in the lotus yoga pose, sturdy and centered with shoulders squared and head held high, all alone in a big empty dark silent space. Instead of being afraid of the dark and sad and lonely, she relishes in the quiet and the solitude as a chance to spend time with the one person who matters most and who most needs her time and attention and love: herself.
I will focus on fostering the quiet calm inside myself. And once the hollow void inside me stops shaking and cracking and twisting with pain, once it settles into a quiet state, like a firm and solid bowl. Only then, when the desperation to be filled goes away…only then will I fill that void. But I will not fill it with someone else as I have before. I will fill it with myself. Not with words of praise and love from another, but with words of praise and love from myself. I can not keep going on this roller coaster ride: throwing my heart and soul desperately into a stranger’s hands, then crying out in betrayal when they don’t treat it as well as I wish they would.
As they say: if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. If I want my heart to be cared for and protected and nourished with positivity: the only person I can trust with such an important job is myself.