I should not be with a guy right now. I’m not ready. I have a lot of healing to do and I need to learn how to be on my own so that I’ll stop clinging to guys like human life rafts. And right now any contact with the world of dating and flirtation pisses me off and gives me a similar feeling to the one I get after I finish scrubbing the toilet or scrubbing dog diarrhea out of the carpet. So why is it that no matter how hard I try I can’t figure out how to turn off that little part of my brain that leaps to attention every time a cute guy walks by? It’s very annoying. I need to be spending some solo time getting to know myself and working to heal myself, but I can’t get anything productive done because my attention keeps straying off to a pair of icy blue eyes or chiseled abs or raven black hair tousled over the eyes just right. It’s like I’m a slave to my lady bits, to that damn unstoppable libido of mine. A thousand curses upon the man who first caused me to actually ENJOY sex…he created a monster and no one can stop me now…not even myself.
Anyone got any ideas on how to stop this runaway train? Maybe someone could start following me around with a cattle prod and giving me a good zap every time I have a mental lady-boner?
In all seriousness, though, it’s not even really about sex. I mean, yes, I’m horny, but more than that I just want someone here standing next to me. I mean, it’s the little things that break me. It’s getting out of work an hour early by surprise and realizing I don’t have anyone to call and tell, no one who cares, no one who will be happy to know they get to see me an hour sooner than they thought they would. It’s making a breakthrough in my journey of self-discovery and learning something new about who I am and where I wanna be in 20 years and realizing that I have no one to tell…no one who cares whether or not I feel fulfilled or have goals to work toward. I want someone to share all my jokes with, instead of just posting them all to my facebook wall.
I hate trying to talk to a friend about some huge event that happened in my life and realizing that I can’t just say “omg this happened” because they don’t know enough about my life up until now to realize why that’s important. So now I have to either tell them an hour of backstory to get to the point where I can tell them that 5 minute really important thing…lately I’ve mostly decided it just isn’t worth it and end up suffering in silence.
My ex knew me. He knew me inside and out, down to every moment of my childhood and every stupid thought I’ve ever had. I hate it that he’s the only person I can really talk to, the only person who understands me and who I can be sure will have the reaction I’m looking for. But I can’t talk to him, obviously, because he’s my “ex” and we’re not allowed to be all up in each others lives anymore because it’ll drive us both mental.
I don’t know how to face life all by myself with no one watching my back. My whole life there’s been someone else there. Either my father standing behind me holding the puppet strings, or my ex-husband wrapped around my leg holding me in place, or my ex-boyfriend standing in front of me and holding out a hand to pull me along behind him. I know that the state my brain needs to be in right now is: “Wow, I can see the world so much clearer now that there’s no one blocking my view or distracting me or blinding me, how nice to have all this room to stretch out!”
But I just can’t keep myself out of the state of: “I don’t want to be alone, I’m scared to be alone, I’m scared to move, scared I’ll get lost, I need someone to stand beside me and hold my hand and step down the path in sync with me, that’s what I’ve always needed and have yet to find…but right now I’m so scared and so alone I would be okay with ANYONE, the guy who leads me and blocks my ability to see my own path, or the guy who stands behind me and controls me and takes away all of my identity and free will…I would even be okay with the guy who sits below me and weighs me down and keeps me chained to the spot while he mutters waves and waves of negativity and hate and pain….ANYONE so long as I don’t have to be alone.”
How pathetic is that?