Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


Leave a comment

Something new, just for the sake of it

Once again it has taken me awhile to write on here. I am even more ashamed because it took being high on medications for me to remember that this blog even existed.

__apology___by_kicsterash-d5d4ukgIn my pathetically flimsy defense, the reason I haven’t written is because I’ve been too busy going out and living. Allow me to attempt to catch you up on some of the stuff I’ve been up to in the last month or so:

(Apologies in advance for poor organization, as I said I’m a little bit high right now)

1) I traded my dog for two cats. My dog is now much happier with more room to run and someone home all the time to play with him. And I’m happier because I don’t have to be consumed by guilt every time I go out at night. My cats could give a shit where I am.

2) I moved. I now live by myself, no roommates making messes andkitchen-collection letting their life plans disrupt mine. Also, my new place is AWESOME. It just has this air about it motivates me and makes me want to do yoga and cook pasta with my own homegrown herbs and drink wine instead of beer. I’m very optimistic that I will be a better happier and more motivated person while I’m living there.

3) I’m on medication, just started it today. Turns out my family has a chemical imbalance that basically (as it was explained to me) makes us feel every emotion on max level, nothing partway. So something will happen that would make a normal person a little bummed, and it leaves me bedridden with depression for 2 days. Something super excited ladyhappens that would make a normal person go, “Oh that’s kinda cool” and I react with “HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER I’M SO EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT”. And even as I’m having these reactions I’m thinking in the back of my head that the situations don’t warrant them…but there’s nothing I can do to change them. With my Dad it happened most often with anger (not violence to clarify, just anger), something would happen where a normal person would be a little irritated and then move on, but my dad would act as if someone had personally attacked him and would dwell on it for weeks and really let it get to him. With me it happens most often with relationships, both romantic and friendly. When I become interested in someone, every little thing they say or do really really affects me at the highest possible level. Like if someone I’m interested in (even just as a friend) says something nice or flattering it can put me on cloud nine for the whole day. But if someone I’m interested in says or does something that makes me think that maybe they don’t like me quite as much as I wanted them to, it will stick me on the couch in sweatpants with a pint of ice cream for a month. So I went and got some medication this morning, the same stuff my dad is on that has made him much happier and more easy going and easier to talk to, and I’ll keep you guys posted if it causes a miracle cure like scenario and makes my whole life easier.

4) I joined a website online called “Meetup”, where people make groups with a certain theme and anyone in the local area that shares that interest can join and you can make friends that are like you and find people to join you in doing the activities you are interested in. I’m hoping this will help me make more friends (who aren’t too lazy to come hang out with me), possibly help me make contacts to help me in my post-military career, get me out of the house, and maybe even give me an opportunity to try some new things in the interest of finding out who I am and growing as a person.

5) But I guess the biggest new thing is, I’ve started seeing someone I guess????? shrugIt’s a really weird wishy-washy situation…and I almost got frustrated and ditched him to look for a guy that was a little easier to understand. But I forced myself to calm down and meditate on it a little and I came to the decision that, although difficult and frustrating, he is probably exactly what I need right now. First of all, my heart is still in ICU from Mike and I don’t plan on using it again any time soon, so even though I can’t help but want him to like me as much as possible, it’s actually better for me that he doesn’t want to be in anything serious or overly emotional. And the fact that I don’t understand what’s going on in his head AT ALL just means he’s nothing I’ve experienced before, and that’s good, because what I had before didn’t work too well, and because one of the big parts of Mike and I breaking up was that I needed some space to grow as a person and as long as I stayed with him I was just going to keep repeating the same old patterns. So it would make NO sense to then turn around and go down a path that feels comfortable and easy to the current me. I need to go down the path that seems foreign and impossible, in the hopes that I will adapt to my new environment and grow into a more evolved person.

Okay so that’s the philosophical part of it. Now for the gushy girly part: He’s a drummer for tumblr_lggv2ppYwz1qd75rbo1_500_thumba heavy metal band, which is hot. But he doesn’t act at all like what you would expect from someone who writes heavy metal music. He’s really mellow and zen and really centered with himself. At first it really annoyed me to be around someone who was that put together, just made it really clear what a wreck I am in contrast. But I think if I can push through the growing pains, it will be very very good for me to be around someone like that, like…it’s been awhile since I’ve had a role model. And to re-iterate my earlier point: new and different is automatically better, or at least worth exploring. All the guys I was with before were just as messed up as me. At the time I thought that was good, we matched, but maybe I was wrong, maybe at least one person in a relationship needs to be sane and constant to serve as an anchor for the relationship, otherwise both parties are just floating in space without direction.

What else can I say about him? He’s into like all the things I’ve been aspiring to get into. Like, I’ve always wanted to learn to play drums, so there’s that. But also I’ve been wanting to get more into yoga, and his mom is a yoga instructor so he’s been doing yoga regularly his whole life. His mom is also a natural nutritionist so he knows all about eating right for your body and keeping things natural and how to be a vegetarian and all of that, so he’s just been making my brain explode with all this wealth of information about things I actually really care about.

Anyway, it’s been kind of a crazy roller coaster ride trying to adjust to his speed…but the closer I get to matching him, the better and more “me” I feel.  Like, he doesn’t want to hang out very often, only like twice a week. The rest of the time he has his life and I have mine. And he gave me some grief about texting him all the time wanting to hang out or hear about what he’s doing. He was like, “It’s kind of annoying to glance at my phone and see 10 texts from a girl I’m not even really dating. Also you’re making me worry that you’re falling in love with me or something and we already agreed we weren’t gonna do that, that this is just a casual thing. But if I’m responding to texts from you every 5 minutes, that’s not casual.” So I got annoyed like, “That’s bullshit that I can’t even communicate with him, and that I can’t see him as often as I want. I’ll go find a guy who will give me something more.” stage-5-clingerBut then I calmed down and meditated for a minute and realized that my core original self didn’t want to see a guy all that often. And the core original me didn’t want to talk to a guy every 5 minutes. All of that clingyness and co-dependence are things I got from Mike. They’re not really me. So I decided to stick around and bite my tongue and mentally slap myself every time I start to write him a text, all in the interest of resurrecting the real me.

Also, I promised myself after breaking up with Mike that I would work hard to better myself, get into yoga, start eating healthy, do crafts, start working toward my post-military future. I made the same promise when I got divorced, but then before I could make a decent start, I met Mike and totally forgot all of that cause I got too caught up in him and his life. I probably would have similarly derailed this time around, but this new guy working so hard to keep me at arms length is making it impossible to get too involved in his world and is forcing me to keep focused on myself and my own life and all these projects I’ve set up for myself. rrtracksSo anyway, gonna see where this new, foreign and challenging road will take me. Wish me luck everyone!

Advertisements