Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


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The Brakes

I’ve been on a real positive and motivated trend lately. Very upbeat, very calm, very driven toward the future. Well, that all came to a bit of a screeching halt yesterday when I was informed that I have 3 months until I get out of the military, rather than the year and 3 months I THOUGHT I had. As you can imagine, this is putting a bit of a kink in my plans ans is putting me into a bit of a panic.

I was actually way more pannicked yesterday. I was trying to decide between staying in San Antonio, TX and going back to Colorado. It was a really hard decision until I made an itemized list of pros and cons like the anal little Virgo I am. I would like to share a condensed version of that list with you now:

Colorado:

Pros:

  • Free rent (my Dad will let me stay at home for free)
  • No 120 degree summers
  • A whole state worth of people who think the same I do

Cons:

  • Would have to live with my family, who are prone to negativity and stress (and I’m not good at tuning that out)
  • Would have to be in a house and city full of bad puberty-soaked memories
  • Would have to drive an hour to find a decent job and 4 hours for a decent college
  • The unsettling feeling that I’m going backwards (unacceptable after all the forward progress I’ve made)
  • Would have to abandon a relationship that’s only just getting started, and that has already proven to be very healthy for me.
  • Have to uproot and move, which I just did a few months ago. And I’ll have to do it again after college is over.

Texas:

Pros:  

  • I’m comfy here
  • Good English program at a nice college right down the street.
  • I’ve been in a very positive, motivated mood here lately, and I’m afraid that moving will disrupt that
  • Get to stay with a wonderful man who has been very good for me, and see where that goes
  • Get to work on looking for a job before I get out, whereas if I go to Colorado I’ll have to start from scratch after I’ve already lost my paycheck
  • Get to keep my privacy and independence
  • Get to relax and settle in one place for awhile
  • Settled into my area, already have healthy studying atmospheres picked out
  • The only person who can disrupt my studies is me

Cons:

  • Its SOOOO hot here
  • Once all my friends move to new bases in the next few months, I’ll have no support system, I’ll be all alone.
  • What if things with this guy don’t work out and it turns out that he was really the biggest reason I stayed without my realizing it?
  • Generally speaking I’m not a huge fan of Texas
  • It’ll probably hurt my family’s feelings
  • I’m a little worried about being able to support myself, especially for the next few months before my college money kicks in

That’s all I can think of right now…but so far I really think I’m leaning towards staying put… Any thoughts?


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Nose to the Grindstone

Three cheers for the girl who only waited a month before doing another post, instead of 3 months like last time (even though it took me 4 days to finish writing this post).

I am proud to report that I have yet to abandon, or even to slack off on, my quest to become a better person. Keeping up with my blog writing is but one of the tasks I am working hard to follow through with. Here is a list of the rest:

Diet – I dove quite strongly into the vegetarian diet and had no trouble whatsoever keeping true to it. In fact, I did SUCH a good job that after 2 months my doctor told me I’d been TOO hardcore and strict with myself and that I needed to cheat more in order to give my body time to slowly adjust to the change. So I had to back track and force myself to take it easy on so many veggies and add in some meat on occasion, and I’m now about halfway done migrating back to full vegetarianism. Now, I have a habit that when I have a plan, I DESPISE having the enacting of that plan delayed, so to keep myself from getting frustrated, I’m using the time while I wait for my body to catch up with my brain to do some research into the find details of being a vegetarian. The memo from my doctor made me realize that I’d jumped into things a little too quickly without doing the recommended research first, so I’m trying to remedy that situation. After doing said research I’ve actually tweaked my intended diet to hover about halfway between vegetarian and vegan. I discovered the unhealthy aspects of dairy products and how all the nutrients you get from milk can easily be acquired through common vegetables, and I never liked eggs or yogurt anyway. So I’m cutting those out. I’m keeping cheese though because it’s one of my favorite foods, so I’m not a real vegan. And to be fair even the vegetarianism is kind of half-assed. I’m mainly following these diet plans in the comfort of my own home. On the outside I’m only following them to the point that is convenient. If I go out to eat with my friends, I’ll try and steer the event to a restaurant that has options that fit my diet preferences, but that’s all they are: preferences, not necessities, so I’m not going to be a dick about it if my friends really want to go somewhere meat-centric.

Fitness – I finally had to start going to military physical training again, and I’m trying to make sure I keep a positive attitude about it. Between going vegetarian and having sex on the regular for the first time in over a year, I’ve lost a bunch of weight, went down 4 dress sizes, and am looking Supah Fine if I do say so myself. I’m hoping that by staying strict with myself and motivated I can keep that momentum going a little longer and finally achieve the body I’ve always wanted.

Now, my friend Stacey gets pissed any time I talk about losing weight and accuses me of having an eating disorder so I have to clarify that I don’t want to lose very much. My body size never fluctuates much so I’ve never been much bigger than my ideal body weight, but while my body doesn’t get bigger, it also doesn’t get smaller, and that last 10-15 pounds has been clinging to me quite obstinately. So in addition to seeing mandatory weekly exercise as a blessing instead of a curse, I’ve also been working hard to force myself to run once a week on my own, and I intend to start hot-room yoga soon with the mother of my current sexual-interest as my teacher, which hopefully won’t be as awkward as it sounds.

To help with the whole motivation aspect of these things, I recently used some of my tax-refund money to buy a set of super cute and durable new workout clothes from Old Navy (all the ladies should definitely go check these out, super cheap, super cute, and super functional. I got some moisture-wicking compression pants that make me feel sexy while simultaneously keeping me from being all sweaty, a matching jacket with lots of running friendly accessories like air vents and thumb-holes, and some built in bra seamless tank-tops, which all together make the perfect outfit for either running or yoga) and a woven cloth yoga mat from Manduka which serves the double purpose of absorbing moisture so I won’t slip and slide during practice, and being more comfortable to the touch than those icky rubber mats.

Relationships – Things are still going well with Vic, my heavy-metal drumming, bedroom rocking, culture shocking, heart thumping….man type thing…

I’m actually still not quite sure what to call him. He’s made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t have any interest in being anyone’s boyfriend. Yet things like him doing grocery shopping for me and going to great lengths to make sure I know that he “isn’t hanging out with me only for sex”, and just being generally insanely sweet to me makes it clear we’re more than just fuck buddies. Sooo…yeah…whatever. Basically the major progress in this category is that I’m trying really hard to not try and figure this out. And it’s working  a little. I mean, I still spend a lot of time thinking about it and analyzing every little thing he says and does, but I’m slightly less obsessive about it and I don’t get upset about it anymore, just passively curious. So…you know, more work to be done, but I am close to just being able to relax and enjoy.