Journey to the Good Place.

Know yourself. Love yourself.


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Loving Love

Today some smart-alec at the grocery store came up to me and said “so, are you?” and pointed at my shirt grinning. I looked down and realized I was wearing a shirt that says “in love”, an accidental purchase that I wear often because it fits me just right. Luckily I caught myself in time and remembered that people don’t want real answers to questions like that, so my only response was an awkward giggle before walking away. However, I did have a real answer in mind, and I felt like I should share it with you guys.

So, am I in love?

Always.

Even when I’m single I find someone or something to love.

I am perpetually falling in love with life, and all of its beautiful tragedies.

In fact, the only thing I HAVEN’T fallen in love with, is love itself.

Love is an asshole, a force that runs amok through the world doing whatever it wants without taking anyone else’s plans or needs into consideration. I am fond of the image of love as cupid. An infant gifted with wings and a deadly weapon and then set free to run around the world unsupervised is pretty accurate to how I picture love.


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Mr. Stoic

I’ve always had this crystal clear vision of the guy I wanted. He’s not your typical “knight in shining armor” or “prince charming”. The man in my dreams is made up of the clips of the misunderstood rebel from an 80’s rom-com mixed with the moody tall-dark-and-silent who can often be found ditching class to smoke on the roof in your average tragically romantic anime. He embodies the word aloof and doesn’t show interest in anyone or anything, yet somehow by keeping his distance from everyone, he has the clearest possible vision of everyone’s problems and social trials. Most people don’t realize this, they write him off as some sort of weirdo and ignore him, choosing instead to focus on gossip and popularity. But I would notice him. I have always had a weakness for things ignored by others. I would become obsessed with him and I would approach him cautiously…

But I forgot to take into account how lonely it could be falling for such a man. I took for granted the idea that I would forever be as independent and strong as I was as a child. But I’m not. The waves of time and the trials of life have worn me down and made me weak and fragile. I can no longer stand solidly on my own. I need the support and affection of others to carry on.

I cross my heart and I hope to die that I’ll only stay with you one more night. And I know I’ve said it a million times, but I’ll only stay with you one more night. But there you go again, ¬†making me love you. And I start losing my head. I let it all go.

So I met him. My perfect tragic man. And it was all I ever wished for. And it was SOOO perfect….for awhile. I was happy and I was having fun and there was no stress and no pressure and god it was so wonderful. But it’s all gone now. He worked so hard to stay away from the fires of love that he thought would burn him. And I tried too hard to ¬†hold on and keep him from running away…like I always do…and ended up suffocating him. So it’s all broken now. I’m hoping that in the future I’ll find another man like him, a man who will give me what I need…regardless of whether or not it’s what I want. And more importantly, I hope by the time I find another perfect man, I’ll have grown and matured enough that I’ll be ready for him.