Think I’ve come up with a new breakup survival kit. My solution: drown yourself in both rom coms and tragic romances for days and expose yourself to situations that will allow you to get hit on over and over. Do this until you become overwhelmed and nauseated by relationships, boys, flirting, and all things related. Then not only will you stop missing him, and stop being bitter about being alone, you’ll actually be stoked to have your personal space and a break from all the overused pickup lines and unrealistic expectations.
I can’t believe I’m leaving soon. Now that I finally have my own little world all to myself, it’s hard to imagine leaving it to move back in with my Dad. And now that I finally have a little routine of work, my chosen coffee shop, my chosen grocery store, my chosen bar, a few special friends that ACTUALLY answer my phone calls when I wanna do something…it’s hard for me to break free of that routine and focus on getting ready to leave it all behind. I’ve just been going about my normal routine and then having sudden moments when a friend will say “hey this was fun! we should do this more often” and I’ll start to say “totally!” before suddenly remembering I can’t because I’ll be gone in less than a month. Then I suddenly have a total panic attack and start questioning if I’m doing the right thing by leaving.
I mean…it’s not like I really have a choice…I haven’t been able to find a job that would let me afford to stay…but even if I could I think it would still be for the best that I leave. Knowing my luck with friends if I didn’t leave them they would leave me a few months later, and with the boy I fell for I feel like every minute I’m with him is just a minute spent waiting for him to get bored with me and break my heart, I’d rather break my own heart by leaving and still have my pride and be able to sooth myself with the knowledge that it happened to further my career goals, not because I’m undesirable.
And I could just really use something new. Yeah, I have fallen in love with what I have here, but only because it’s the best I ever had…that doesn’t mean I should get stuck in it and stop hoping for something better. And even though I love the little nest I’ve made for myself, my next is surrounded by the corpses of every dream and love I tried before this one that didn’t work out as well. I’d like to try transplanting this nest somewhere cleaner.
God it’s gonna be so hard to leave though…what is wrong with me that it’s always harder to for me to walk away from things I know are bad for me?
In case y’all haven’t noticed yet. I’ve been in one of those “low” trends in the up and down roller coaster of life. Not surprising, this often happens when I’m facing a major life change. I’m trying my best to keep teetering on the edge of the gigantic gaping hole of depression I feel opening up beneath me, and not let myself fall in. And I’m sure I’ll do just fine like I always do, but in the meantime this daily struggle is pretty exhausting.
So I found this song quite by accident, not sure why it affected me as strong as it did. It is like every day my soul inside is a hectic car chase scene in an over the top action movie set on fast-forward, and then this song started playing and someone hit pause, and everything inside me, all the jagged pieces of glass fused into make-shift butterflies that are always zooming around so hectically inside of me and crashing into each other and chipping little glass shards off of each other that fly off and tear right through me…they all just froze for a second. For just a few seconds everything inside of me was quiet and still and calm. All the furious glass butterflies and screaming things laid down and were content. And it was such a beautiful relief I started crying. And now I’m just listening to the song over and over just hoping to keep that feeling a little bit longer.
And somehow this insane dysfunctional video just makes the feeling 10 times stronger. It’s like somehow the artists planned the song and the video specifically for the way it affects me, like one of the members of this band also has jagged metal butterflies inside him and understands, and picked this images and colors and flashes of light specifically to heal that particular spiritual ailment.
Anyone else know what I’m talking about? Anyone else listen to this song and feel like the jagged cracking ice inside of them is melting into a steamy warm soothing bubble bath for their heart to float in? Or am I just out of my fucking mind?