I can’t believe I’m leaving soon. Now that I finally have my own little world all to myself, it’s hard to imagine leaving it to move back in with my Dad. And now that I finally have a little routine of work, my chosen coffee shop, my chosen grocery store, my chosen bar, a few special friends that ACTUALLY answer my phone calls when I wanna do something…it’s hard for me to break free of that routine and focus on getting ready to leave it all behind. I’ve just been going about my normal routine and then having sudden moments when a friend will say “hey this was fun! we should do this more often” and I’ll start to say “totally!” before suddenly remembering I can’t because I’ll be gone in less than a month. Then I suddenly have a total panic attack and start questioning if I’m doing the right thing by leaving.
I mean…it’s not like I really have a choice…I haven’t been able to find a job that would let me afford to stay…but even if I could I think it would still be for the best that I leave. Knowing my luck with friends if I didn’t leave them they would leave me a few months later, and with the boy I fell for I feel like every minute I’m with him is just a minute spent waiting for him to get bored with me and break my heart, I’d rather break my own heart by leaving and still have my pride and be able to sooth myself with the knowledge that it happened to further my career goals, not because I’m undesirable.
And I could just really use something new. Yeah, I have fallen in love with what I have here, but only because it’s the best I ever had…that doesn’t mean I should get stuck in it and stop hoping for something better. And even though I love the little nest I’ve made for myself, my next is surrounded by the corpses of every dream and love I tried before this one that didn’t work out as well. I’d like to try transplanting this nest somewhere cleaner.
God it’s gonna be so hard to leave though…what is wrong with me that it’s always harder to for me to walk away from things I know are bad for me?