“He is so strong and warm and kind. How could I not have fallen for him? Asking me to give up on him is not a fair request. I cant do it. I’m sure I will continue to fall for him more and more from now on.”
-kamisama kiss anime
It is rare that another persons words so perfectly match my own feelings. At least these were my feelings up until I confronted him and asked him once and for all how he felt about me. His answer was…less than satisfactory, so that’s over now. And that’s all you need to know about that.
In more relevant news I finally got moved into my actual living space. Granted its a spider infested basement that’s half filled with boxes and has no doors, but its better than having a tiny corner in a storage room people keep walking in and out of whenever they please. And I can finally start getting semi-permanently comfortable and settled, which, being that I don’t have any of my stuff yet, so far consists of hanging two posters.
Other developments: my unemployment is coming in, its a major relief to have money to pay my own bills and not have to count on other people. I’m getting to spend time with my best friend and catching up in lost time with my father.
All in all I should probly be pretty relaxed and happy with no job, no responsibilities. But this town is so full of memories of rejection and powerlessness and disgust. Then there’s me no longer having a place of my own to recuperate from stresses, how bad I am at being single, and finding out that my ex is engaged on the 1 year anniversary of the last time he and I talked about our own wedding plans. Add all of that together and I’m just having a devil of a time keeping my zen together. I feel like I’m spending every second of the day teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown and using every ounce of my strength just to keep from tottering over the edge. It feels like somewhere between my soul and my skin is a layer of razor blades grinding against each other with every movement.
So I’m done. I’m finished with desperately trying to fight my current situation and recreate the happy bubble I had back in Texas. Desperately trying to find a new boyfriend to fill the empty void in my heart, moving out as soon as I’m financially able instead of staying with my parents and saving money, disrupting the lifestyle of my parents and changing things so I’ll feel at home while I’m here; none of these things are going to do me any good. Doing similar things in the past has just had me running in the same repetitive circle and dropping a little deeper into the pit of misery on each lap. It’s time to break free and try something different. So I have decided to surrender and just accept that the next year is going to be lonely and miserable, but that if I can just make it through one year quietly accepting my misery, it will make me a far happier and more complete person in the long run.
First step when my stuff arrives: set up a designated yoga and meditation space complete with positivity shrine. I have a feeling I’ll need it.