About two months ago I wrote a post about being truly different. I talked about how most people have characteristics that make each one unique, but they have a core element that makes them all part of the same tribe and allows them to all communicate and understand each other. Then there are The Others, the ones who are completely different, even in their core.
Example: when Normal people try to understand other Normal people, its like an English speaker learning Spanish. It’s a different language, sure, but the core construction is the same, so it’s not too difficult. On the other hand, when a Normal person tries to get to know an Other, it’s like an English speaker learning Chinese. Nothing they already know applies and they have to start completely from scratch at the far opposite end of the realm of knowledge.
I’ve had another thought on this subject. What makes me one of The Others is that I am not categorized. All the Normals I see around me, they are in a category. Sometimes a more complex person is in 2 or 3 categories, and sometimes as a person grows they will switch categories. But with me, at no time has anyone been able to confidently put me in any category even for a second.
I am very shy, but also direct and I enjoy sharing. I am manly and rough, but also cute and pixie-like. I am old fashioned but also very modern. I am OCD but also lazy and cluttered. I am very needy, but also fiercely independent. I am filled with opposites and therefore fit in nowhere. The only category I’ve ever fit into with any kind of regularity is “Different” or “Weird”. Which isn’t a category as much as it’s an anti-category.
I keep watching these t.v. shows and reading these books and trying to decide what character I resemble. Am I the reclusive and poetic heroine? The savior driven by a fierce moral code? The hero who quietly sacrifices my own happiness to protect the happiness of others? The misunderstood villain who doesn’t mind being hated for doing what I need to to survive and protect what I care about? Or the unimportant sub-character who plays a small role in shaping the main characters destiny, then disappears into a quiet uninteresting life?
Upon going back and re-reading that old post about the truly different, I realized how silly I’ve been. I am none of these characters…or perhaps a little of all of them. Either way, I am not a person who can find a character type that I belong to and then use that characters stories as guidance and inspiration for my own life. And why am I trying? Why do I want so badly to belong when it’s so much better to be one of a kind? Why do I want to live a story that’s already been written when I have the chance to write something brand new? Why am I so terrified of standing alone and admitting that I’m different?
I’m not sure why. But I think its about time I stopped running, stopped searching, stopped desperately looking for a distraction so I can avoid the subject. I think now, while my life is in stasis, is a really good time to turn around and face myself and sit down to a nice long chat so we can figure this stuff out once and for all.
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