I am so ashamed that I’ve gone through an entire semester of school without making a single blog post. My only defense is that so much has been going on in my life, both externally and internally, that as soon as I started to formulate a thought worth writing down, my world turned upside down again and what I had written no longer seemed relevant.
I’ll try to give you a brief summary of the semester now that things have calmed down a bit for the moment, but apologies in advance if it comes out a bit long winded.
1) I feel old.
I’m surrounded by all these punk 18 year olds who are so inexperienced and naive. They come to me venting about their relationship issues and I can feel the energy leaking out of my body as I think to myself “Oh sweety, that’s nothing. If only you knew the kind of heartache and serious drama that awaits you in the adult world.” And then on the occasions that I meet someone my own age, they are always so far ahead of me, about to graduate with a career lined up or already in a career that fills them with purpose and inspiration. I feel like I don’t fit in with either group. Like I’m stuck in a weird limbo of dissociation in between the two.
2) I fail at relationships.
The dissociation theme continues to be a large part of my life as we look at my interaction with romance the last couple years. Just yesterday a friend of mine who is really into astrology walked me through my star chart. One of the planetary alignments of my chart showed that I crave independence in my relationships. This is very true, and is a part of myself I’ve been exploring and growing more comfortable with this semester. However, my first few experiences with relationships were very clingy co-dependent ones and there is a theory in psychology that says that people tend to recreate themes in their life that they are familiar with, even if these themes are painful or unhealthy, especially when it comes to relationships. So I am caught in a juxtaposition between my natural desire to be in a relationship characterized by mutual independence and my unconscious need to recreate the suffocating overly-dependent dynamic of my past.
3) 24 is too old to live with your parents.
In a direct contrast to my earlier point about feeling old, living with my parents is giving me the disconcerting sensation that I am 10 years old again. This is especially awful because last year was the first time I started feeling like a strong independent responsible woman. So having no responsibilities to worry about and living in a place where I have to let someone know any time I leave the house and where people are constantly checking up on me quickly eroded all the progress I had made and has been very detrimental to my carefully built sense of self worth. Because of this I spent the first couple months back in Colorado battling a pretty impressive case of depression, which is one of the reasons I didn’t write on this blog for so long.
4) Emotional Fallout.
I once read an article that listed 10 things no one in their 20s should ever apologize for. One of the things on the list was “Don’t feel bad for falling in love with everyone and everything.” It was very reassuring to hear that this is a trait that most 20-some things share and which is fully acceptable and expected as a form of self-discovery during this period of my life, but I wish this article would have included some advice on how to deal with the fallout of falling in love with a bunch of people who will never love you back and a bunch of things that are only temporary fixtures in your rapidly changing life.;